There is a major push to be different. My question is, why do I need to make a conscious effort to be different? Is my individuality not "different" enough to be different?
In middle school, everyone wants to be the same. Even if you clearly know you're different than the others, you make your round peg fit in that square hole.
In high school a few brave souls dare to be different. Mostly because they couldn't quite climb the social ladder high enough the decided to rest on a lower wrung and try their best to be an individual. The thing about being an individual in high school is that you're so used to trying to fit in that you don't know how to be yourself. The concept of allowing yourself to be who you are is far too difficult for most kids to handle, and the consequential criticism is far too unpleasant.
The few kids in school who dared to be themselves, I considered freaks. It wasn't until I had a few years of maturity under my belt that I realized: these kids were the brave ones. The kids who kept climbing higher on the ladder were the conformists- they were the weak. And now we fast forward to five years later. The "freaks" are making bank, and the cool kids are trying to make a living on their high school glory days.
So now it's cool to be different. Lady Gaga makes millions off of being "different". But what is that? Am I no longer different because I don't wear a gown made of meat to an award show? The scale as been altered and being "different" is pushing the limits of societal norms.
I happen to like being myself. How much more of an individualist can I get?
mardi 31 mai 2011
vendredi 20 mai 2011
Name Game
"So what do you take for your ADHD?"
She stared at me, waiting for me to answer. I didn't have an answer for her. This was the first time I was hearing that I had ADHD and quite honestly, I was too terrified to speak.
"I know you thought you only had OCD, but after talking to you for 15 minutes I can tell that you have ADHD. You can't sit still, you speak so fast, and I can tell that your brain is going 100 mph. Are you telling me that you never thought there was a problem there?"
Well to be honest I just thought I was crazy. I thought I had OCD, and I was a crazy person... end of story.
"You poor girl. You have OCD, you're a perfectionist, and you have ADHD. Your brain must be a war zone!" And it is.
That's the thing about psychiatrists- they're always giving you names. I always knew I was a little too hyper active and easily distracted, but I never considered trying to classify that behavior. As soon as you give it a name, it's real. It's no longer a personality quirk, it is it's own identity. I'm not sure how much of my behavior I want officially defined. Everyone points at me and says "OCD", "ADHD", etc, but aren't I still Meena? Why can't I be Meena, with a side of obsessive behavior, and a dash of hyperactivity. Do I really need to be OCD ADHD Meena?
"Well here's the good news, Meena. I know you said you'll never go to grad school because you can't pay attention in classes and while reading the class material, but after I give you some medication I really think you'll start getting 4.0s. I don't understand how you've functioned without any ADHD medication. You're really something else."
Some people believe that having a mental disorder is a handicap, but a lot of people think it's just stupidity. I'm here to tell everyone out there who feels like they have some sort of mental disorder: don't let ANYONE, EVER make you think that you are stupid. I've gone my entire life believing I was stupid, but really I just had two different disorders competing for a spot inside my mind.
What people who don't have mental disorders don't understand is that once you find a way to function in the world with that mental handicap, you no longer have anything else to be afraid of. You can stare fear right in the face and say, "I've already battled the most terrifying adversary: my mind... and I won".
She stared at me, waiting for me to answer. I didn't have an answer for her. This was the first time I was hearing that I had ADHD and quite honestly, I was too terrified to speak.
"I know you thought you only had OCD, but after talking to you for 15 minutes I can tell that you have ADHD. You can't sit still, you speak so fast, and I can tell that your brain is going 100 mph. Are you telling me that you never thought there was a problem there?"
Well to be honest I just thought I was crazy. I thought I had OCD, and I was a crazy person... end of story.
"You poor girl. You have OCD, you're a perfectionist, and you have ADHD. Your brain must be a war zone!" And it is.
That's the thing about psychiatrists- they're always giving you names. I always knew I was a little too hyper active and easily distracted, but I never considered trying to classify that behavior. As soon as you give it a name, it's real. It's no longer a personality quirk, it is it's own identity. I'm not sure how much of my behavior I want officially defined. Everyone points at me and says "OCD", "ADHD", etc, but aren't I still Meena? Why can't I be Meena, with a side of obsessive behavior, and a dash of hyperactivity. Do I really need to be OCD ADHD Meena?
"Well here's the good news, Meena. I know you said you'll never go to grad school because you can't pay attention in classes and while reading the class material, but after I give you some medication I really think you'll start getting 4.0s. I don't understand how you've functioned without any ADHD medication. You're really something else."
Some people believe that having a mental disorder is a handicap, but a lot of people think it's just stupidity. I'm here to tell everyone out there who feels like they have some sort of mental disorder: don't let ANYONE, EVER make you think that you are stupid. I've gone my entire life believing I was stupid, but really I just had two different disorders competing for a spot inside my mind.
What people who don't have mental disorders don't understand is that once you find a way to function in the world with that mental handicap, you no longer have anything else to be afraid of. You can stare fear right in the face and say, "I've already battled the most terrifying adversary: my mind... and I won".
jeudi 5 mai 2011
I Just Wanted You To Know:
I received this email today:
"Hey Meena,
Unfortunately you didn't turn in your project today and even you didn't show up for the class this whole week. I hope you understand the gravity of your actions. I just wanted to inform you that tomorrow is gonna be your oral exam at 12:20-12:30.
Best,
(My Professor who shall remain anonymous)"
Dear Prof who shall remain anonymous,
My name is Meena Zia and what you don't know about me is that I have suffered from OCD for about 10 years now. In case you don't know what OCD is, it's a mental disorder brought on by stress that compels me to perform certain "rituals" or compulsions, in an attempt to get control of my life. For example, at my worst without medication or therapy, I couldn't enter or leave any room unless the minute hand on the clock was on a number divisible by 3. I needed 3 fingers touching each other on my hand at all times. If I was riding in a vehicle and we were passing a yard, I couldn't take a breath until we passed a driveway. These rituals took over my life and it was hard for me to even get through high school.
I saw myself as a psychotic freak who couldn't even walk into a classroom without having to check the time. I had hid it so well for so long that none of my friends knew what I was going through every second of every day. Every day was 24 hour fight to be "normal", and I couldn't fight anymore. My grades, to a stranger, reflected a student who studied non-stop. The truth was that I didn't have room in my brain for studying. I was too consumed by my OCD that I could never have a relaxing thought, and one day I couldn't take it anymore.
When I was a freshman in college I tried to commit suicide because I couldn't live with myself anymore. I was fed up with not being able to do simple tasks that all my friends could do. There was no way out for me except to leave forever. On that day I was born again, but that's a story for another time.
After me rebirth, I had regular therapy and started taking medication, but still my therapist told me that maybe college wasn't a good option for someone who has OCD as bad as I do. I was determined to prove her wrong. The change in my mental state was incredible: I could relax. I could watch a whole movie without having to get up and walk around 30 minutes into it. I could read a book. I could just sit, just sit and think about nothing. It was an amazing feeling. Every start of a new semester my OCD comes back, and while I will never be rid of it, and it will forever poison my school performance, I can function and I've learned to accept that.
Now that it has come down to my last semester of college, my OCD is back in full force. This semester has been a constant struggle to stay sane. After all the therapy I've gone through, this semester has still been a constant fight to go to class and not sit in a ball on my bed and cry every day and every night.
Professor who shall remain anonymous: Every time you saw me in class this semester, what you didn't know was that that action, for me, was an awesome accomplishment. You should know that every day I handed in homework, the night before was a battle for my life. I want you to know that I have done something that no one thought I could do.
When I read that cold email you sent me I want you to know that at first I felt horrible about myself. I beat myself up, like I have so many times before, about every day at 10:50 when I stood outside your classroom, waiting for the minute hand to turn and hating myself for being such a freak. Those days I managed to gather the strength to enter your class were days that I am sincerely proud of. The reason that on those days, like this past week, that I couldn't find the strength to enter the classroom were because waiting for the minute hand to change reminded me of how messed up my brain is. Self hating is still something I'm working on, and you didn't help when you sent me such an unfeeling email.
So I just want you to know that even 2 years ago, this email would have crushed me. But I've been through too much for this snarky email to bring me down. I want you to see how tasks that seem so easy to some people, are extremely difficult for me. And still I rise. I am graduating this semester after 5 long years of fighting every obsession, and every compulsion. I am exceedingly proud of who I am, and while your email is another reminder to me of the fight I have to go through every day, I won't let it get me down. I hope you think about how you come across the next time you send an email like that. I do "understand the gravity of my actions". I'm proud of everything I've done, and you'll never make me feel bad about having this mental handicap.
Sincerely,
Meena Zia
"Hey Meena,
Unfortunately you didn't turn in your project today and even you didn't show up for the class this whole week. I hope you understand the gravity of your actions. I just wanted to inform you that tomorrow is gonna be your oral exam at 12:20-12:30.
Best,
(My Professor who shall remain anonymous)"
Dear Prof who shall remain anonymous,
My name is Meena Zia and what you don't know about me is that I have suffered from OCD for about 10 years now. In case you don't know what OCD is, it's a mental disorder brought on by stress that compels me to perform certain "rituals" or compulsions, in an attempt to get control of my life. For example, at my worst without medication or therapy, I couldn't enter or leave any room unless the minute hand on the clock was on a number divisible by 3. I needed 3 fingers touching each other on my hand at all times. If I was riding in a vehicle and we were passing a yard, I couldn't take a breath until we passed a driveway. These rituals took over my life and it was hard for me to even get through high school.
I saw myself as a psychotic freak who couldn't even walk into a classroom without having to check the time. I had hid it so well for so long that none of my friends knew what I was going through every second of every day. Every day was 24 hour fight to be "normal", and I couldn't fight anymore. My grades, to a stranger, reflected a student who studied non-stop. The truth was that I didn't have room in my brain for studying. I was too consumed by my OCD that I could never have a relaxing thought, and one day I couldn't take it anymore.
When I was a freshman in college I tried to commit suicide because I couldn't live with myself anymore. I was fed up with not being able to do simple tasks that all my friends could do. There was no way out for me except to leave forever. On that day I was born again, but that's a story for another time.
After me rebirth, I had regular therapy and started taking medication, but still my therapist told me that maybe college wasn't a good option for someone who has OCD as bad as I do. I was determined to prove her wrong. The change in my mental state was incredible: I could relax. I could watch a whole movie without having to get up and walk around 30 minutes into it. I could read a book. I could just sit, just sit and think about nothing. It was an amazing feeling. Every start of a new semester my OCD comes back, and while I will never be rid of it, and it will forever poison my school performance, I can function and I've learned to accept that.
Now that it has come down to my last semester of college, my OCD is back in full force. This semester has been a constant struggle to stay sane. After all the therapy I've gone through, this semester has still been a constant fight to go to class and not sit in a ball on my bed and cry every day and every night.
Professor who shall remain anonymous: Every time you saw me in class this semester, what you didn't know was that that action, for me, was an awesome accomplishment. You should know that every day I handed in homework, the night before was a battle for my life. I want you to know that I have done something that no one thought I could do.
When I read that cold email you sent me I want you to know that at first I felt horrible about myself. I beat myself up, like I have so many times before, about every day at 10:50 when I stood outside your classroom, waiting for the minute hand to turn and hating myself for being such a freak. Those days I managed to gather the strength to enter your class were days that I am sincerely proud of. The reason that on those days, like this past week, that I couldn't find the strength to enter the classroom were because waiting for the minute hand to change reminded me of how messed up my brain is. Self hating is still something I'm working on, and you didn't help when you sent me such an unfeeling email.
So I just want you to know that even 2 years ago, this email would have crushed me. But I've been through too much for this snarky email to bring me down. I want you to see how tasks that seem so easy to some people, are extremely difficult for me. And still I rise. I am graduating this semester after 5 long years of fighting every obsession, and every compulsion. I am exceedingly proud of who I am, and while your email is another reminder to me of the fight I have to go through every day, I won't let it get me down. I hope you think about how you come across the next time you send an email like that. I do "understand the gravity of my actions". I'm proud of everything I've done, and you'll never make me feel bad about having this mental handicap.
Sincerely,
Meena Zia
vendredi 29 avril 2011
0 for 2
School is really simple if you look at it closely. Social politics aside, you only need to be good at one of two things to consider yourself a success: math and science, or sports. If you are good at one of these things you will find reassurance that you are destined for greatness. A student who is good at logic will undoubtedly be able to get good grades because they have mastered the art of memorizing textbook information and regurgitating it on demand. Even if these kids never snatch the hottest prom date in school, at least they'll have good enough grades and test scores to snatch a spot at a good university.
The sporty ones also have a good measure of success. Being good at sports means never being embarrassed in gym class because they stood and stared as a ball came flying at their face. It means building self confidence and determination at a young age, which is essential to surviving high school. These kids may not have a 4.0, but they have enough drive and talent to make it into a decent university.
So what about the other kids? Don't get me wrong, high school may be difficult for most kids but the majority make it through and move on to bigger and better things. But what about the kid who doesn't respond well to standardized testing? The one who aces the art of being social, but can't quite ace the final exam? That kid was me. I spent my whole life thinking that because I couldn't get a good grade on a multiple choice exam that I was stupid. It wasn't until college that I realized I wasn't so stupid after all. So for all the kids who are 0 for 2, this is for you.
The sporty ones also have a good measure of success. Being good at sports means never being embarrassed in gym class because they stood and stared as a ball came flying at their face. It means building self confidence and determination at a young age, which is essential to surviving high school. These kids may not have a 4.0, but they have enough drive and talent to make it into a decent university.
So what about the other kids? Don't get me wrong, high school may be difficult for most kids but the majority make it through and move on to bigger and better things. But what about the kid who doesn't respond well to standardized testing? The one who aces the art of being social, but can't quite ace the final exam? That kid was me. I spent my whole life thinking that because I couldn't get a good grade on a multiple choice exam that I was stupid. It wasn't until college that I realized I wasn't so stupid after all. So for all the kids who are 0 for 2, this is for you.
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