I Just Wanted You To Know:

I received this email today:

"Hey Meena,

Unfortunately you didn't turn in your project today and even you didn't show up for the class this whole week. I hope you understand the gravity of your actions. I just wanted to inform you that tomorrow is gonna be your oral exam at 12:20-12:30.

Best,

(My Professor who shall remain anonymous)"

Dear Prof who shall remain anonymous,

My name is Meena Zia and what you don't know about me is that I have suffered from OCD for about 10 years now. In case you don't know what OCD is, it's a mental disorder brought on by stress that compels me to perform certain "rituals" or compulsions, in an attempt to get control of my life. For example, at my worst without medication or therapy, I couldn't enter or leave any room unless the minute hand on the clock was on a number divisible by 3. I needed 3 fingers touching each other on my hand at all times. If I was riding in a vehicle and we were passing a yard, I couldn't take a breath until we passed a driveway. These rituals took over my life and it was hard for me to even get through high school.

I saw myself as a psychotic freak who couldn't even walk into a classroom without having to check the time. I had hid it so well for so long that none of my friends knew what I was going through every second of every day. Every day was 24 hour fight to be "normal", and I couldn't fight anymore. My grades, to a stranger, reflected a student who studied non-stop. The truth was that I didn't have room in my brain for studying. I was too consumed by my OCD that I could never have a relaxing thought, and one day I couldn't take it anymore.

When I was a freshman in college I tried to commit suicide because I couldn't live with myself anymore. I was fed up with not being able to do simple tasks that all my friends could do. There was no way out for me except to leave forever. On that day I was born again, but that's a story for another time.

After me rebirth, I had regular therapy and started taking medication, but still my therapist told me that maybe college wasn't a good option for someone who has OCD as bad as I do. I was determined to prove her wrong. The change in my mental state was incredible: I could relax. I could watch a whole movie without having to get up and walk around 30 minutes into it. I could read a book. I could just sit, just sit and think about nothing. It was an amazing feeling. Every start of a new semester my OCD comes back, and while I will never be rid of it, and it will forever poison my school performance, I can function and I've learned to accept that.

Now that it has come down to my last semester of college, my OCD is back in full force. This semester has been a constant struggle to stay sane. After all the therapy I've gone through, this semester has still been a constant fight to go to class and not sit in a ball on my bed and cry every day and every night.

Professor who shall remain anonymous: Every time you saw me in class this semester, what you didn't know was that that action, for me, was an awesome accomplishment. You should know that every day I handed in homework, the night before was a battle for my life. I want you to know that I have done something that no one thought I could do.

When I read that cold email you sent me I want you to know that at first I felt horrible about myself. I beat myself up, like I have so many times before, about every day at 10:50 when I stood outside your classroom, waiting for the minute hand to turn and hating myself for being such a freak. Those days I managed to gather the strength to enter your class were days that I am sincerely proud of. The reason that on those days, like this past week, that I couldn't find the strength to enter the classroom were because waiting for the minute hand to change reminded me of how messed up my brain is. Self hating is still something I'm working on, and you didn't help when you sent me such an unfeeling email.

So I just want you to know that even 2 years ago, this email would have crushed me. But I've been through too much for this snarky email to bring me down. I want you to see how tasks that seem so easy to some people, are extremely difficult for me. And still I rise. I am graduating this semester after 5 long years of fighting every obsession, and every compulsion. I am exceedingly proud of who I am, and while your email is another reminder to me of the fight I have to go through every day, I won't let it get me down. I hope you think about how you come across the next time you send an email like that. I do "understand the gravity of my actions". I'm proud of everything I've done, and you'll never make me feel bad about having this mental handicap.

Sincerely,
Meena Zia